Review of "Real Marriage"

Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship, and Life Together. By Mark and Grace Driscoll. Thomas Nelson, 2012.

In only its third week of publication, Mark and Grace Driscoll’s Real Marriage has already stirred an enormous amount of controversy in the evangelical world. Reviews and responses continue to flood the blogosphere, to the extent that even non-Christian publications have taken interest in the controversy (see, for example, CNN’s recent interview of Mark Driscoll). Curious as to what all of the hubbub was about, I decided to evaluate the book for myself.

Initially, I was pleasantly surprised by the book’s contents. The first half of the book offers many helpful pieces of advice and instruction for married couples. In fact, the Driscoll's chapter on marriage as friendship (chapter 2) is worth the price of the book. What I saw when I turned my attention to the second half of the book, however, was far less satisfying. While there are definitely some redeeming elements of this section (particularly the Driscoll’s case against pornography), there are a number of causes of concern as well. I will elaborate more on the pros and cons of Real Marriage presently, along with a brief synopsis of the book.

Real Marriage is divided into three sections: Marriage, Sex, and The Last Day. Because of the last section’s minimal size, this review is going to focus on only the first two parts of the book. The first portion, perhaps the most beneficial part of the book, discusses what life together looks like (or should look like) for a Christian married couple. While there are a number of aspects I could highlight here (and a few minor quibbles), let me mention two. First, I found chapter 2—“Friend with Benefits”—particularly noteworthy. The Driscolls offer a unique take on marriage as a relationship between two lifelong friends. As they point out, this is an oft-neglected theme in marriage manuals. The chapter begins with a sketch of Martin and Katherine von Bora Luther’s relationship, a fun and captivating couple that embody what friendship looks like in the context of marriage. The Driscolls then discuss what it means to be F-R-I-E-N-D-S in marriage: it means being fruitful in good works for God’s glory, reciprocal in conveying love, intimate, needed, devoted to each other, and sanctifying. The Driscolls rightly point out that the best application of all of the Bible’s teaching on friendship is the marriage relationship.

A second strength I want to mention is the Driscoll’s strong commitment to complementarianism. Chapters three and four—“Men and Marriage” and “The Respectful Wife”—respectively call Christian husbands to love and lead their wives and urge wives to respect and submit to their husbands. Rather than taking their cues from culture, the Driscoll’s develop their understanding of the distinct and unique roles of the husband and wife from Scripture. Mark pulls no punches with men as he challenges them to sacrificially serve their wives and put them before themselves. Men in our culture, he says, have refused to grow up and are more akin to boys than to men. “Today adolescence starts somewhere in the teen years and, in many cases, continues indefinitely” (42). But the Scripture calls upon husbands to “act like men” (1 Cor. 16:13) and to “put away childish things” (1 Cor. 13:11). Some practical ways that Christian men can do this is by getting involved in a Bible teaching church, leading their wives theologically, and initiating and facilitating family worship at home. These are just a few of the ways godly men can lead their wives well, but they are definitely good places to start.

Grace Driscoll also takes a no holds barred approach in addressing Christian wives. She argues that the role of the wife is fundamentally carried out with an attitude of respect towards her husband. Godly women need to “see that [they] respect [their] husbands” (Eph. 5:33). This means not only outwardly manifesting a respectful demeanor, but also cultivating an inward heart of respect and submission for their husbands as their God ordained authority.

The Driscolls are at their best in the first section of this book. I am genuinely convinced (and pray) that God will use their words to convict, challenge, and encourage many husbands and wives to fulfill the roles that God has called them to. I wish I could stop my review here and end on a positive note. Unfortunately, the second section of the book prevents me from doing so. Although I certainly do not want to throw the baby out with the bathwater (as there are some beneficial elements in part two), the downsides of the second section significantly taint the rest of the book.

Let me start with the highlights first. Chapter six makes a good case for viewing sex as a gift from God to be used in the confines of marriage for pleasure, procreation, oneness, knowledge, protection, and comfort. Such a perception is a refreshing contrast to the unbiblical views offered by some who serve sex as a god and others who avoid it because they think it is gross. The Driscolls say, “Sex is a powerful gift that God gives to married couples. Furthermore, it provides…good and glorious benefits” (118).

Chapters seven and eight are stunningly candid chapters. The Driscolls write from personal experience about the pain and difficulty that can come from sexual abuse and pornography. Through their testimonies—displaying at once the horrors of sin and the magnificence of the Gospel—they warn readers about the dangers of sexual sin. Grace provides comfort and direction for those readers who may have been (or are currently) the victims of sexual assault. She also gives practical advice to parents on how to protect their children from sexual predators. Her words are spoken with frankness but tenderness, and end with a Christ focused perspective.

Adding to Grace’s counsel, Mark addresses the issue of pornography in a gripping way. He provides cutting edge research on the effects of pornography on the male brain, as well as exposes the detrimental fallout that pornography has had on both those inside and outside of the industry. Although at times he is too unguarded with the level of detail he gives, he definitely gets his point across about the dangers of pornography. The Driscolls admit, “We have sought to sand the varnish off porn and sinful lust so as to see it for what it truly is—a horrific evil with no redeeming value.” But they quickly add, “As horrific as these evils are, people enslaved by them are not beyond the redeeming grace of God made available through Jesus Christ” (152).

For the sake of time, let me jump over chapter nine (which is a fine chapter that uses the book of Song of Solomon to encourage couples to selflessly serve one another) and move into discussing chapter ten (which is a less satisfying look at what is and isn’t permissible in a married couple’s sexual relationship). After reading chapter ten, I was not at all surprised by the various negative and critical responses that have been issued against this chapter. The Driscolls, despite their honest attempt to bring the Word of God to bear on a difficult topic, cross the line at a number of points in their discussion.

First of all, their lack of discretion throughout this chapter (as well as other chapters) is glaring. The Driscolls discuss many things in a public forum (i.e. a published book) that are better suited for a more private setting (i.e. a pastoral counseling situation). In my estimation, Driscoll oversteps his bounds as a pastor. He is not America’s pastor. He should not provide sensitive counsel to Christians not specifically under his pastoral care. Moreover, the kind of advice he gives should be delivered with discretion and dignity. Some information (especially very detailed sexual counsel) could be a cause of stumbling to readers. Other pieces of information are simply unnecessary. Either way, the subject matter the Driscolls deal with requires a certain level of pastoral sensitivity and maturity that is lacking in their book.

A second area of concern worth mentioning is the Driscoll’s interpretation of 1 Corinthians 6:12 which says, “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.” The Driscolls claim that this verse provides a rubric for dealing with any kind of sexual question in marriage. But it is doubtful that they have accurately understood the intention of Scripture here. For starters, rather than being the Apostle Paul’s statement, it is more likely that the phrase “all things are lawful for me” was actually what sinful members of the Corinthian congregation uttered to justify their sin. A mere perusal of standard commentaries of this verse will amply verify this. Secondly, even granting the Driscolls their interpretation, they still leave out critical pieces of information that Paul supplies. For instance, Paul did not just reduce his counsel on non-moral issues (the “gray areas” of Scripture) to three simple principles, as the Driscolls do. Not only did Paul ask whether or not something was lawful, helpful, or enslaving, but he also asked a more fundamental question of whether it glorified God (1 Cor. 6:20). Thirdly, some of the sexual acts the Driscolls discuss are not even conceivably “gray areas” at all. Their discussion of anal sex, for example, does not consider the Apostle’s Paul teaching in Romans 1:18-32 that suggests that such an action is “unnatural.” While I certainly understand that Paul has in mind the actions of homosexuals, his whole reasoning behind his argument—that God has designed sex to be performed in a certain way—definitely applies to the marital relationship. More could be said here, but what I have mentioned is sufficient to demonstrate the problematic nature of the Driscolls discussion.

I have not given a comprehensive evaluation of this book, nor have I needed to. Many other reviewers beat me to the punch, pointing out the strengths and weaknesses of Real Marriage in a much fuller and much more eloquent fashion. Some readers of the Driscoll’s book will be in substantial agreement with it (finding it to be very helpful), while others will be greatly put off by it (finding it to be harmful). For myself, I think that there is a lot of commendable material in this book, but also a lot of disagreeable aspects. Overall, my advice to those who pick up this book is to it read with discernment and caution.

By the way, there have been a number of reviews that I have found insightful. Here are two superior ones that I found particularly helpful:

Jeremy Pierre's Review in the January issue of Credo Magazine.

Denny Burk's Review posted on his blog.